What have I got to do to make you want me?
That’s a question I asked myself a million times, but not just about You about all the ‘you’s’ that came and went before You.
I needed to be thin – You loved my curves
I needed to be taller – You loved it when I went on my tippytoes to kiss you
I needed to be more like all the other girls –You liked my individuality
I needed to know more about how to be a girlfriend – You accepted my relationship immaturity and nurtured it
I had to ask if things were ok, if I was getting this right, if I was overwhelming – You promised never to disappear, pinky swore if there were issues we’d confront them and told me I was making great steps in the direction of being your Mrs Right.
I didn’t know if you cared – You said I was the light at the end of your tunnel
So why, why am I sitting here with my heart ripped apart, my mind on more overdrive than I’ve ever had it, nerves getting me worse than ever before and future wide open once more – You disappeared.
I gave you a card – You said you would simply walk into Mordor for me.
You were my great love.
You were a little bit behind every single smile for the last four months
You were the sunshine in the dark days after I lost my dad
You were the droid I was looking for, the knight in shining armour, the cheerleader who said this girl could.
You broke the pinky swear, you left me with a cold hearted text after I gave you everything I had to give. I was yours, I was your awesome bootiful lovely sweetie. I was your rock when you needed me.
I wonder if you think of me, if you wonder what I’m having for lunch, or that I got home safe, or how my last couple of weeks at work before I start the job I took with hope of more time shared with you are going.
I miss you, more than I knew I could miss someone who was only in my life for a short time.
I wondered on Wednesday how you’d get home that night because I always gave you a lift and sat and held your hand and wished I could sleep in your arms that night as we said goodbye.
I wonder if you ripped up the card I gave you for Valentine’s Day, threw it and the wallet card and the birthday and easter gifts in the bin.
I wonder if I see you in the street months from now, will you smile or will you hide your face and pretend you weren’t the brightest star in my sky for the last 4 months.
I wonder if some other lucky girl gets your good morning and goodnight messages already.
I wonder if you knew, when you kissed my face all over, and waved and blew me a kiss last time I saw you, that it was goodbye.
Sorry, for all the things you never expressed were hurting you.
Sorry, for losing my light a little six weeks ago so your tunnel got darker.
Sorry, that I let my anxiety and paranoia push you out of my life.
Sorry, that I’ll never feel your arms around me, your lips on mine, your eyes connect with mine, again.
Truth is, I’m so sorry I could hire a sky writer to fly above you all day so you’d know.
P.S I’m sorry if you see this and think of it as anything other than a writers expression of a lost love.